Let's get lost together. :)

I just really love this picture. ><

Earlier tonight my roommate, Amber Corry, yelled my name and gave me a hug. Wonderful. :). Coheed and Cambria is amazing, by the way. Currently listening to "Welcome Home." Man, so good.


Today, I've been running on four hours of sleep. I went to bed at 3 am and woke up at 6:46 am to take a shower and get ready for the day. Then I knelt in prayer. I haven't done that in a while. Heavenly Father can ever so tenderly take down my walls of bitterness and anger. "When life is too much to stand, kneel." :)


I went to my 8 am Jogging class and turned in homework and took notes for the final exam we can take during the month of March.


Then I had my Beginning Stage Makeup class from 9 am to 11 am. We practiced wound makeup and I think I did really well for a practice day. But I need to make the bruise underneath my eye less harsh and more realistic. I think next time I'm gonna bust my lip open. Pictures to come. :)


From 11 am to 12 pm, I was in my Shakespeare class. We discussed 12th Night. I LOVE THIS PLAY. Dude so good. I love analyzing all the characters, but understanding Viola is completely amazing. She dresses up as a boy in order to be "free," but through that decision, she creates chaos. Keep in mind, though, that she isn't a victim to the illusions the other characters suffer from who live in Illyria. In fact, Viola and her twin brother, Sebastian, are the only characters in the play who aren't from Illyria. SUCH A GOOD PLAY.


At 12 pm to 1 pm I was in my Phonetics class watching a group of classmates perform a Dr. Suess narrative called "The Sneetches" in Standard American Stage dialect. THEY WERE SO AMAZING to watch. Like I was laughing the entire time. I love my school. :)


And, finally, I went to my last class of the day from 1 pm to 2 pm, Creative Writing. I am falling in love with writing all over again. The simple love I have for writing is so consuming. I get to create beautiful, ugly, truthful, and deceitful portrayals based on the craftiness of word choice. The atmosphere of my classroom is so encouraging. Honestly, if the members of the class weren't as friendly and kind and honest as they are, I wouldn't feel comfortable at all sharing my work. Of course, I have yet to do so. My short story will be read on Friday. I AM SO NERVOUS. I don't normally enjoy people reading my work. Only when I am completely sure of myself do I feel safe in letting others read my work. I already know that my short story isn't where I want it to be. 


I wrote it all day yesterday and when I finished, I didn't feel completely satisfied. I wonder if we will often go through that. We finish a project and don’t necessarily feel complete afterwards. I know that I've felt that way many times. But much more enjoyable, I think, is when we know we gave it our all and we are completely exhausted after finishing our task. We know that our bodies are proud of us. We are allowed to be proud of our accomplishments.

There have only been select moments in my life when I’ve felt this way-exhausted to the core by my hard work and knowing that I deserved success. My first audition to get in the Acting program; my performance in “Cough/Laugh” last semester; my last performance of “The Importance of Being Earnest”; My Book of Mormon project last semester; and others. 

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I miss driving fast. I miss pressing my foot down on the accelerator. I miss screaming while speeding down a highway on a Kansas summer night. I use the term "speeding" loosely. :)

Driving is such a sweet release. You can go as fast as you want or as slow as you want. You can pass as many people on the road as you want or you can choose to stay behind them and enjoy the scenery. You can drive in silence. You can drive listening to music at ear-shattering decibels. You can listen to the alluring rhythm of the windshield wipers slap either side of the window. You can hear the rain pound above you on the roof of the car and be swept away in the storm. (Metaphorically, hopefully. ><). You can roll down the windows and bring in the sunshine. You can lose your breath with the sweetness of the air as it zooms past.

I really love driving.

I had a dream last night that I was wearing a wedding dress and a zombie tried to eat me.

I think sometimes I get this idea in my head that the more stuff I have going on the better person I am. In fact, that's exactly what I thought of myself in high school. Band, vocal, track, cross country, forensics, plays, National Honor Society, college night classes, church activities. I sincerely thought that was all I had to offer.

But college does something to you. It makes you throw away all that extra stuff and just try to find what's real. Who you really are. Just be by yourself. Be still. I know that sounds cliche, but I'm totally serious. College makes you find yourself.

Sometimes we may find that we were right all along-those extracurricular activities in high school paid off and they are still a hobby or a career choice for us now. And sometimes we might not like what we find.

That's the best part. :)

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So last night I took an hour and half out of my day to just sit down and read for fun. A favorite book of mine sat tempting me on a bookshelf on the fifth floor of the library all the way in the back. As I was staring at the book's alluring spine, I thought to myself, "Self, you are only allowed to read for half an hour. Then you leave the library and go do homework." My hand seemed to move on its own accord as it grasped the book from its papery neighbors. Then my legs whisked me away to the girls bathroom and flung me into a huge comfortable chair. (Yes, when I first found lounging chairs and couches in the restroom, I was a little weirded out. But then I realized that this is BYU. Women come in to nurse babies. And there are a ton of babies here).

My old flame with a fiction novel, on a school night, a forbidden rendezvous, was suddenly re-lit.

I lost track of time and, after a while, I forgot where I was. I was completely gone to another world. This world belonged to Jodi Picoult's characters in "The Tenth Circle." SUCH A WONDERFUL STORY. Oh my gosh. So good.

Anyway, when I finally tore my eyes away from the book, I looked up and saw the sky that had previously been pink and purple at sunset was now a deep black. I jumped up quickly and almost fell over again because my legs had fallen asleep. As I was stretching out my back and legs, I just breathed. I mean, really breathed in and out and let it go through me. I haven't felt that wonderful in a long time.

"Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured." -Gordon B. Hinckley :)

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If you were reading this to know about the dream I had last night, haha. Sucks for you. But let me tell you. It was absolutely terrifying.

The Zac and Chelsea Story.

Love is silly.
So freaking ridiculous.
Like really.
I can't breathe, I am so alive. For exactly one week now I've been engaged. !!!!!! hahaha It's so surreal. But so completely right. I could never ask for another man to take Zac's place. He's absolutely perfect for me. And that perfection is only made manifest in his imperfections. He completes me. I am normally not this "lovey dovey" and "girly," but I'll make this one exception. :)
I guess...I should go ahead and tell our story. ><
HERE WE GOOOOOO!

Zac and I met our freshman year at BYU in the summer of 2009. I was dating a boy back home in Kansas at the time. Zac and I met through a mutual friend by the name of Josh Lowe. Josh, Zac, and another amazing dude, Craig, were playing ultimate Frisbee at our first ward meeting. We were all outside my dorm building and it was so warm out. I was sitting on a wall watching the popular kids socializing at the ward party, feeling awkward and little bit like an outcast. Then I saw Josh, Zac, and Craig with their freaking Frisbee. I giggled at them. Then the Frisbee suddenly flew at my face and I caught it! I was so completely taken aback. hahaha Josh came up to me and took the Frisbee from my surprised fingers and the three of us kind of hit it off. Actually, to put it more accurately, Josh and I became pretty tight. Zac and Craig couldn't stand me. Like they hated me.
But I kept up with them.
Josh and I were good friends for the majority of that semester, while Zac and Craig were "just there." It wasn't until the end of the semester that Zac and I had our first real conversation. We were at dinner and he insulted me and I made a sharp retort and (as he admitted later) he thought that was cool. Therefore, by extension, I was pretty cool. Summer semester ended and I finally found three super solid friends at college.
The break between summer and fall semester was bittersweet. I went through the hardest breakup I've ever endured. Honestly, though, my ex and I both benefited from that decision. It was a mutual agreement and we're both so happy now. :)
So I came back to BYU for fall term and I saw Zac at a freshman orientation activity over at Helaman Fields. When I first saw him, I shouted his name and ran into his arms. hahaha He had no idea what to do. And since that chance encounter we were inseparable. Of course, this constant companionship was bound to maybe grow into something bigger, as it did for Zac, but I was kind of swearing off boys at that point. I needed to figure myself out. My "spiritual self" was seriously damaged and needed some time to heal.
So Zac and I became best friends and our time together was amazing. We've known each other for about five months now. Around this time I got in a relationship with new boy, Sean Beck, through Facebook. Sean and I also met through Josh Lowe. Sean and I started dating in October. Zac and I are still best friends throughout this time. Then came the news in November that Zac had to leave BYU because of financial and family issues. He lives in California. Being separated from Zac was one of the hardest things I ever had to go through. I went into a huge depressive swing. I ran for at least two hours everyday and found food to be a waste of time when I could be running or studying. My grades skyrocketed, but I felt hollow. I was also going through several spiritual upheavals and feeling very very lost. Sean was there for me, and for that I was grateful. But something always felt missing. I was empty and desperately trying to fill that void with a boy who didn't know me.
I physically met Sean for the first time three days before he went into the Missionary Training Center, on November 29th. He got his mission call for Samoa. I was so excited to be with him. He seemed to share my feelings. He promised himself to me and asked me to wait for him for two years. I promised and was happy. He entered the MTC on December 2nd and we wrote each other letters frequently. Then he left for Samoa on February 2nd, 2010. From then on to the end of April I heard nothing from him, even though I had written almost every week while he was gone. At the end of April I finally decided to write Sean and see what was up between the two of us. The letter I got back was very detached and he wrote me off.
Zac and I, on the other hand, were talking EVERYDAY. Not a single day went by from his departure in November to April when we didn't talk. I leaned on him when I was struggling and I was there for him when he stumbled. Our friendship was rock solid. And, finally, at the end of February, I was worthy to partake of my church's sacrament. I was worthy of the temple. I hadn't been to the temple for four years at that time. Zac was there for me when I almost gave up.
Toward the end of winter semester, Zac and I talked about him coming to Kansas to meet my family and hang out with me because we hadn't seen each other for about 6 months.

Zac's coming to Kansas in April 2010 caused quite the stir with all of my friends. My whole family fell in love with him and really wanted us to end up together. I, however, was uncomfortable. I was scared that my best friend could be something more than that. I found myself holding his hand a little bit longer than "friends" would. I found that I scooted closer to him on the couch when we'd watch "friend" movies. I found myself whispering more in his ear and blushing when he'd look at me. Finally, one night, I took the initiative and kissed him to see what would happen. FIREWORKS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. hahaha But seriously, it was kind of super awkward but amazing at the same time. Zac hadn't kissed anyone in about a year and a half. But practice makes perfect...and he got much better and I was slowly falling in love with him. His last night in Kansas he asked me to be his girlfriend. I freaked out. I got unbelievably scared and told him that I wasn't ready. That night we remained quiet with each other and drifted to sleep in each other's arms. The next morning my mom woke us up and drove us to the airport to fly Zac back to California. The whole drive to Kansas City was strained and quiet. We held each other hands and couldn't stop looking at each other. Then came the goodbye. I got out of the car and we embraced for the longest time. He promised he'd wait as long as he had to for me to be ready. I nodded and cried. Then I had to leave him.

Mid-May to late June was a dark time. Zac and I being apart really messed with the both of us. I felt as lost as I had when we were separated the first time the November before. But this time it so much more poignant and crippling. He wasn't quite the same. Then, on June 25th, I called Zac, sobbing. Once again, he was there. I prayed if I should start dating him and an unfathomable amount of peace swelled within me. I ended that prayer with tears on my cheeks. I had my answer. Zac and I then started dating. HAPPY DAY!!!!!!!!!!

Fast forward to August and I am in California for the first time with my best friend now boyfriend. Those two weeks completely sealed the deal and I knew he was absolutely awesome for me. Then came time for him to enter the MTC for his mission to Colorado Springs, Colorado. Saying goodbye to him in Utah after our time together in California was unbearable. I know I've said this a zillion times before about being separated from him, but this case was no exception. In fact, it broke all other times. Tears were freely flowing and I tried so hard to be strong for him when we said our goodbyes. Zac's father has often said that the look Zac and I shared when we said goodbye was heartbreaking. I very much agree.

The months of August through November were nothing short of difficult. Those three months that Zac was serving the Lord for his mission were the hardest of his life and mine. I wrote him plenty, but there were times when he'd get depressed and I'd get depressed around the same time. We could tell when we were feeling down because of the lack of letters. Oddly, they were always in sync with one another. Zac was beginning to get flashbacks. They were getting worse and worse and finally it was decided that he should come home. On November 15th, he was back in California after having served a faithful and worthy mission. When he was released from the calling, the mission president told him that "Someone back home needed him more than the people on the mission." We both could only guess who that was. >< I was there for him. I still am. I didn't judge him. I still don't. I only wanted him to be safe and happy. As I do now. We both worked hard to help each other. That's all we could do.
During Thanksgiving break, I went out to California to visit Zac and his family. We all loved being with each other again and I fell in love with Zac all over again. So from the end of November through December, we talked about marriage. Of course, it started out as quiet ponderings of "What if?" and "Maybe." But then he and I both took this question to the temple and asked. I won't go into details, but I got my answer. That's why I'm engaged currently. :)

Ladies and Gentlemen,
I am so happy. I love him.

Thank you, Pandora, for my Jet station.

A lazy Saturday afternoon. I'm wrapped up in many, many blankets. Several pillows surround me and I'm quite content. Harvey Danger is playing on my comp.
"I'm not sick, but I'm not well. And I'm so hot cause I'm in hell. I'm not sick, but I'm not well. And it's a sin to live so well." Amen.

I woke up about three hours ago. There's something amazing about waking up on a weekend morning and just being able to lie there. Not let anything touch you. Not limit your mind and just let it wander. I surprise myself with where my mind takes me sometimes. New people, new adventures, new, new, new. Spontaneity. Other times, I am not at all surprised by the road map of my head. Same old scenery, same old, same old. Familiarity.

On Thursday, in my Acting for Film and TV class, we were given a lecture about spontaneity. Where do instincts come from? How does spontaneity tie into all aspects of a human being: physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually? And how having a set and analytical plan of how you're going to say your lines will kill any response to creativity.

I think it kind of funny that I need to learn how be "spontaneous" when I'm spontaneous every day of my life. Sure, I wake up every morning and write down a "To Do List" for myself. I'm also very prompt with crossing off each event once I've completed it. However, I get to make changes to my own "To Do List!" So awesome. I don't plan how I feel or react to people. It just happens. It's my response to creativity.

"Troublemaker" by Weezer is quite possibly one of best songs ever. Whenever I listen to this band, it makes me think of how completely awkward I was at 13. Quiet, glasses, 4'11", a dedicated day dreamer and fanatic of fantasy novels. This band also makes me proud of how I didn't fit in and will never fit in.

Sometimes we need to stare off into space and not know where we went for 2 minutes.