Can I Hug You?

After a long, grueling, and fantastic fifth semester, I am finally free! I've been free for about a week and a half now and I am finally able to catch my breath a bit and get caught up with my life. 16 credit hours seemed unsurmountable but I did it. :) I ended this semester with my highest GPA since coming to BYU! And while my GPA may not be "superb" by some people's standards, I have excitement for the future. :) Ahhh yeah!

I found out a couple of days ago I didn't make it into the acting program. AND IT FEELS SO AWESOME. I never thought I would say that, much less feel so happy thinking about it. When I got my proficiency scores back, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Like I could finally breathe again. I am so glad I followed my instincts and did the audition anyway. I felt complete afterwards, even if it didn't reap the rewards of being in the program. It's like I let something go that needed to go. This whole past semester I've been feeling that maybe pursuing acting as a major and career isn't quite right for me. Came to find out, I was right! I love acting, but I don't have the killer drive and need for it as others do. At first, that was so hard to accept. But when I finally swallowed my pride and pondered, I realized I am needed for other adventures in this life than ones offered in New York City or Los Angeles. I am so glad my life is going in a new direction. A breath of fresh air feels so good to take in. :) A new path is being carved for me and if I just remain true to myself and others, so many more doors will open. 

I now look forward to major in Theatre Arts Studies with either an emphasis in Education or Playwriting. :) Life is just so good right now. :D

Currently, I'm in freaking Buckeye, Arizona, in my new room in a new house, located in the new basement. The company I'm enjoying is old and familiar, just as it should be with family. :) This past week I've been doing the FAFSA and applying for jobs like a crazy-money-obsessed-college-engaged-student. hahah Oh, wait. That's me. 

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The wedding is so close, guys! Like for real! 1 month and 24 days away! Insane, right?! But I'm so freaking excited. Also very, very, very nervous. Zac and I just got an apartment with the on-campus married housing at BYU. Oh, BYU. hahaha Apparently we have to pay for the July rent even though school doesn't start until August, which I think is bogus. We weren't allowed to claim an apartment 10 days prior to our wedding date and there were only two apartments with one bedroom available on June 24th for the taking. Finding an apartment in the nick of time was so awesome. We'll be living at the south end of Wymount, close to campus, and on the third floor! We won't be having any pesky neighbors above our heads with screaming children to bother us! Heaveeeennnn.

I've been running quite a bit this past week and let me tell you. Arizona is gonna make me a brown little thing! hahaha I am currently sporting a fantastic sunburn on my shoulders and upper arms. But soon a nice tan will work it's way in and I'll be a happy camper. I've been blessed with melanin. :3 Watch out swimsuit season. You're about to be annihilated. KABAM. 

I'm pretty pumped to be back in Kansas again! I'll be there in about 12 days for my brother's graduation from high school! SO EXCITED TO SEE HIM AND EVERYONE ELSE! Oh my gosh! I haven't seen most of my friends since last summer, due to me and my family moving over Christmas break from Kansas to Arizona. But good golly, I can't wait! And I haven't seen my brother since Christmas break. I am so flippin' proud of him! He's gonna be studying saxophone performance at K-State, which was hard for me at first. hahaha But then I was like, "Chelsea. Stop it. This is his college experience, not yours." *Humility bequeathed*

I have so much to be thankful for and I can't believe there's so much more to discover and live. :)

Chelsea x

The moon's face caught my tears tonight

"We must part? How can you stand there and say that? No more service to you! Am I not to help you know as I did before? Are we not to go on working together? If you are to do no more work, then what am I to do with my life?

Never in this world will I go home! Where you are, there will I be also. I will not let myself be driven away like this! I will remain here. I will be with you when the book appears. I will see with my own eyes how honor and respect pour in upon you afresh! And the happiness-oh, the happiness! I must share it with you.

Where is the manuscript?

Do you know, Lovburg, that what you have done with the book-I shall think of it to my dying day as though you had killed a little child. How could you? Did not the child belong to me too? It is over. All I see is darkness ahead of me."

-The brilliant words of Henrik Ibsen as through the mind and speech of Thea.
I love Thea. She is such a strong woman and fighter, but it is that fight she has that makes her so vulnerable. This morning was my proficiency audition. I used this monologue and another from "The Miss Firecracker Contest" by Beth Henley. I left the audition not sure how to feel about it. I was prepared. I was ready for those 2 minutes of Heaven and Hell. I felt pumped to go in and show the judges my "swagga." :). I performed to the best of my ability when in that moment. I didn't want to force myself to cry because it would be unmotivated and fake. It's better to not cry and mean everything you're saying, than forcing tears to happen because you're "supposed" to cry.

And I've been thinking a lot lately of what I'm "supposed" to be doing. For me, the question has been this past semester: "Should I be acting? Is this really for me to pursue as a major and a career?" Obviously, I have a passion for acting. I have a commitment to acting. I love letting my inner self show through my outer being. Then, why, for all those reasons, would I have doubts?

Perhaps I'm still searching for what I'm "supposed" to be doing?

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The question of kids is daunting and surreal. I can't imagine myself having children right now; however, the idea of creating a person with the right man at the right time is so beautiful. Zac and I are like, "Let's put a hold on the baby train." hahaha Which I'm totes fine with. Totes McGoats. I'm like, "Yeah, still in school. Still trying to figure myself out. Still working at my major. Still wanting a life before kids." (I mean that in the best way possible ><). hahaha
But whenever that time comes for us to have a baby, (10 years, 5 years, 1 year, whatever) I want to be in the best possible shape for that new human being: Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. My future miniature human being is more than just a thing that takes up space. He or she is going to need a mother who is physically sound, emotionally stable, mentally perceptive, and spiritually in tune. He or she is gonna need a mother. A woman who is selfless. A woman who is nurturing. A woman who is humble. Hopefully through my example, my child will learn how to make his or her own decisions. Agency is a beautiful gift.

SCENE BREAK
So I only have five more finals and then I'll be free from school! :D Happy day!
1) Marriage and Family final-Saturday
2) Stage Makeup final- Monday
3) Shakespeare final-Monday
4) Acting for TV/Film final-Tuesday
5) Phonetics final-Wednesday

Then my mommy is gonna be here on Wednesday night. She's gonna stay the night in the apartment, then we're both gonna drive back to Arizona on Thursday! Then I have a wedding to finish planning. Jeepers. >< hahaha But I am so happy, you guys. Despite all the questions I have going on right now and how everything is changing, I wouldn't want anything else in the world. I am so happy. Right now in this moment I am happy.