The moon's face caught my tears tonight

"We must part? How can you stand there and say that? No more service to you! Am I not to help you know as I did before? Are we not to go on working together? If you are to do no more work, then what am I to do with my life?

Never in this world will I go home! Where you are, there will I be also. I will not let myself be driven away like this! I will remain here. I will be with you when the book appears. I will see with my own eyes how honor and respect pour in upon you afresh! And the happiness-oh, the happiness! I must share it with you.

Where is the manuscript?

Do you know, Lovburg, that what you have done with the book-I shall think of it to my dying day as though you had killed a little child. How could you? Did not the child belong to me too? It is over. All I see is darkness ahead of me."

-The brilliant words of Henrik Ibsen as through the mind and speech of Thea.
I love Thea. She is such a strong woman and fighter, but it is that fight she has that makes her so vulnerable. This morning was my proficiency audition. I used this monologue and another from "The Miss Firecracker Contest" by Beth Henley. I left the audition not sure how to feel about it. I was prepared. I was ready for those 2 minutes of Heaven and Hell. I felt pumped to go in and show the judges my "swagga." :). I performed to the best of my ability when in that moment. I didn't want to force myself to cry because it would be unmotivated and fake. It's better to not cry and mean everything you're saying, than forcing tears to happen because you're "supposed" to cry.

And I've been thinking a lot lately of what I'm "supposed" to be doing. For me, the question has been this past semester: "Should I be acting? Is this really for me to pursue as a major and a career?" Obviously, I have a passion for acting. I have a commitment to acting. I love letting my inner self show through my outer being. Then, why, for all those reasons, would I have doubts?

Perhaps I'm still searching for what I'm "supposed" to be doing?

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The question of kids is daunting and surreal. I can't imagine myself having children right now; however, the idea of creating a person with the right man at the right time is so beautiful. Zac and I are like, "Let's put a hold on the baby train." hahaha Which I'm totes fine with. Totes McGoats. I'm like, "Yeah, still in school. Still trying to figure myself out. Still working at my major. Still wanting a life before kids." (I mean that in the best way possible ><). hahaha
But whenever that time comes for us to have a baby, (10 years, 5 years, 1 year, whatever) I want to be in the best possible shape for that new human being: Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. My future miniature human being is more than just a thing that takes up space. He or she is going to need a mother who is physically sound, emotionally stable, mentally perceptive, and spiritually in tune. He or she is gonna need a mother. A woman who is selfless. A woman who is nurturing. A woman who is humble. Hopefully through my example, my child will learn how to make his or her own decisions. Agency is a beautiful gift.

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So I only have five more finals and then I'll be free from school! :D Happy day!
1) Marriage and Family final-Saturday
2) Stage Makeup final- Monday
3) Shakespeare final-Monday
4) Acting for TV/Film final-Tuesday
5) Phonetics final-Wednesday

Then my mommy is gonna be here on Wednesday night. She's gonna stay the night in the apartment, then we're both gonna drive back to Arizona on Thursday! Then I have a wedding to finish planning. Jeepers. >< hahaha But I am so happy, you guys. Despite all the questions I have going on right now and how everything is changing, I wouldn't want anything else in the world. I am so happy. Right now in this moment I am happy.