I just had one of the most embarrassing moments of my life. And it wasn't a "Ha. Ha. Silly Chelsea" moment. It was a "Chelsea. You really messed up" catastrophe. I went to an audition tonight thinking I was gonna rock it. I felt prepared. More prepared than I have for acting in a really, really long time. I thought the audition was from 6-8 this evening. I read the whole play right before I went and felt a breathtaking connection with several of the characters. I felt so strong. I left my apartment so that I would be at the audition by 5:40. I got to the room for the audition and saw several girls from the sign up sheet already there, going over lines and some blocking. Either they were at the audition super early as well and already working, or, more probable, I had the time wrong. I felt a knife stab me deep in the gut. I couldn't breathe.
I tried to focus on smiling and remaining calm when I went into the room. My heart beat was so loud and painful. I cleared my throat and croaked out, "I'm here for the audition?"
The director and her stage manager answered me with puzzled expressions, "Oh. We started at 5. We end in 20 minutes."
"Oh. Is there any way I can show you anything before then?"
"All the others are in groups working on a collaborative project that you're welcome to see."
"Oh. Yeah. Alright." I was ready to walk out at that point. But they stopped me.
"We can have you come to callbacks tomorrow morning, if that would be okay with you?"
"YES."
They got my information and I felt so much better. That same elation I felt when I was preparing for the audition filled me again. BUT SO MUCH MORE. I went and watched what the groups were working on and gave my input after every one else did. Then we went back to room and talked some more. I cried a little when I threw in my two cents about the play. Haha I felt like such a pansy. But I'm being totally honest when I say that I haven't felt like this in a long time. Whenever I spoke, the room became still. It didn't feel like me speaking, if that makes sense. Like, I tried to recall what I said afterwards and I couldn't. It was all just a blur. But I felt this peace that hasn't been in me in a long time. Like I could really breathe and see for the first time.
So I'll be at callbacks tomorrow morning and I am so freaking excited for it. I don't want to jinx it, but if I do awesome, THEN AWESOME. But I learned something amazing tonight if tomorrow morning's callback is less than awesome: I have found myself again. :)
I HAVE FOUND ME.
I am listening again. I am feeling again. I am seeing again.
Life should be (in my humble perspective) a time to find ourselves through A) listening to others, B) feeling, C) seeing, and D) living in the moment.
^Haha Such an actress thought process.
^^Hahaha Another piece of acting jargon: The Thought Process.
:D
SCENE BREAK
I've heard so many times that the cliche "Everything Happens For A Reason" is crap. That my "hope" for those people who've suffered and who I care for is unrealistic. You wanna know what I don't hear? When amazing and awe-inspiring things happen to people, they never say, "This Didn't Happen For A Reason."
I've been inexpressibly happy and in the deepest circle of hell, whether by my own choices or at the expense of others decisions. I've felt awful by the mistakes I've made and I've felt unbelievably betrayed and bitter because others have used me. I've been so completely mind-blowingly happy by my careful decisions and I've been so blessed by other's smart choices. My solid conclusion:
EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON AND THAT REASON IS WE MAKE CHOICES.
We all have the freedom to choose. That is how we live. That is how Everything Happens.
I'll get off my soapbox now. :)
Ah. I feel better.
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