I found a new band I love: The Phoenix Foundation

Now, normally I am not a fan of posting so quickly after a previous blog, but I thought I'd break that limitation. I find it funny how people consistently put limits on themselves, or quite the contrary, express the importance of not adhering to any sort of limitation. I've been told many, many times that I limit myself. I heard that a lot when I was in high school with my running, my trumpet, my singing, my acting, my writing. Since high school, though, I've reached new heights in every area...

[Excluding my trumpet...>< Man, I miss playing my horn].

My running has become more of a therapeutic exercise for me since high school. High school track and cross country centered entirely around competition. Racing. Ramming my elbow into girls' sides as I'd pass [Shh I would never do such a thing ;)]. Now, when I find myself frazzled and in need of control, I put on my tennis shoes, spandex shorts, and a cut-off t-shirt and head out the door. Last summer, I ran almost every single morning for at least an hour. I became tan with the morning Kansas sun and toned with the discipline of a motivated athlete. This summer has proven to be difficult for me to get in touch with that inner endurance runner. I know she's there. She's been there since I was a little girl in fifth grade when I beat all the boys and girls in a lap around the playground. I came home from school with a big smile on my face and proudly told my mom that I was going to be a distance runner. 

["You mean you want to be a sprinter?" "No, mom. I want to run for a long time!"]

So, for singing. When I was a senior, I had a solo for one of the concerts. Oh, man. I didn't ever get a lead in a school musical, so this moment was my time to shine. Butterflies gathered in my gut, but I took a deep breath and let myself go. I sang and it filled the whole room. I faltered here and there, but it felt amazing to have my voice so loud and free. I was also embarrassed at how timid I sounded compared to the leads in the plays. Since that night, though, I've taken to singing only in three situations: 1) Auditions (gulp), 2) Church hymns 3) For a close, personal, and bonding ceremony between myself and the one I love. hahaha Honestly, that's when I feel most comfortable singing. I'm never gonna be the Broadway actress/singer. And that's fine with me. My voice is intimate. :)

...Acting. Phew. As of right now, that's a very touchy subject. I didn't make it into the Acting major, as you know. And for that, I am so happy. So many new doors have opened up for me, and, if I'm being blunt, I felt like I was trapped by other's expectations and my own perceptions when it came to the Acting major. Steadily I began to get uncomfortable with the route I was going. It didn't feel like my road to travel anymore. I felt like I needed to roll around in the ditch by the side of the road, pull out a map, turn it upside down, and sprint down a completely new path, dust licking my heels. And now I anxiously look forward to dipping my toes in a pond near the Acting road. The pond's name: Playwright and/or Theatre Ed Instructor. What a happy pond. I hope there's ducks. :)

Writing...it has opened me up, I feel vulnerable. I'm learning to not limit myself. :)

DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD IT FEELS TO THROW LIMITATIONS OUT THE WINDOW? DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD IT FEELS TO FIND OUT WHERE YOUR LIMITS LIE AFTER JUMPING TOO FAR AND BRUISING YOUR BUM? DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD IT FEELS TO CONSTANTLY QUESTION WHERE YOUR LIMITS ARE? I do. :)

[Oh, and here's a little something from The Phoenix Foundation]

v-neck t-shirts look good.

I'm sitting on the living room couch, laptop in lap, and wearing my favorite v-neck t-shirt. Grey with horizontal, thin, black stripes. A small breast pocket, ideally made for pens. Or Q-Tips. Not too tight, not too loose. Mom says it makes me look like a boy. Now all I need is dirt under my short fingernails, and I'm all set. :) (That's what all boys look like).

I'm lightly tapping a yellow balloon back and forth with my sister.  "GAH! WATCH OUT, JULIE! THE BALLOON CAN'T HIT THE FAN! Oh, okay. You've got it." :)

[And now for an irrelevant and nonsensical interlude]

I have the world's biggest sweet tooth. I mean, really. I just can't get enough of my tasty treats. Ghirardelli Square. Dark chocolate. Raspberry filling. Goosebumps are literally forming on my arms and legs as I take my last bite.

And
It's
Goooooneeeee.... :(

That little piece of Heaven just disappeared. Ah, well. I have so many other happy things to muse over. Last night I had my bridal shower with a small get together of four women from church. Mom and I invited 20 women to come celebrate three weeks ago (with handmade invitations BAM) and only four came. I was a little bit disappointed, but also relieved. I don't really know anyone here, so a smaller group was much more enjoyable in the end. While mom and I waited anxiously for people to show up, I was so nervous about what they'd think of me. >< I remembered my high school days. Oh goodness. hahaha I was never invited to parties and that's fine and all.
Honestly, I'm better off just staying home, away from crowds. I'll undoubtedly embarrass everyone around me and myself. ><
But the women who did come were so awesome! We laughed and shared stories and they wanted to know all about me and Zac. I awkwardly stumbled through our detailed chronological history and even cried several times. hahaha Such a freaking girl. >< Zac and I got several thoughtful gifts for our future apartment: cookie sheet, crock pot, measuring cups, a bright orange knife, a hand mixer, and four gorgeous plates! It feels so good to say "future apartment." :)

[TWO WEEKS, PEOPLE. I'M GONNA BE A MARRIED WOMAN IN JUST TWO WEEKS. THAT'S IT]!

At this point, I'm just twiddling my thumbs, anxiously ready for my future. Cake needs met, bishop interview for the temple complete and meeting with the stake president tomorrow afternoon. I have my veil, the dress fits better than it did when I first got it, I'm looking smashing, if I do say so myself. hahaha Everything is seemingly falling into place. :) Grandpa told me yesterday that this is my "precursor marriage." I laughed, "Okay, Grandpa!" I have heard that most people go through two marriages before finally settling down with the third partner. And statistics are grossly pessimistic, divorce rates increasing. What a disgusting word. Divorce.

On a personal note, I'm really struggling right now with my family relationships. I won't go on about it here, but I hate divorce. I hate how it altered everything in my childhood. I hate how it still hurts today. I hate that I haven't seen my dad since last July. I hate that I feel like I have something to prove because I'm getting married at 20. Judging eyes. Smiles that already suggest sympathy for a doomed marriage.

Well, my eyes only hold hope and faith. My smile hasn't been this sincere in a long time.

[And it isn't going away].