When I look at my ring finger...

When I look at my ring finger, I remember my past. When I look at my ring finger, I cherish who I am now. When I look at my ring finger, I hold a hope for the future.

My wedding band serves as a constant reminder of Christ's Atonement for me. Here's my story :)
My childhood taught me that trust is meant to be earned. Trust cannot be forced upon someone or oneself. My childhood left me with scars that still sting, burn, bleed, and scab today. My mother and father divorced when I was three. Biggest Secret Wish? That my parents would get back together and we would be a family again. I desperately wanted "The Parent Trap" to happen in my life, as I'm sure many children do when divorce occurs. But my mother remarried several times, as did my father. I suffered unimaginable abuse at the hand of a former step-father when I was seven. I found it difficult to trust at a healthy level. Either I pushed everyone away or I desperately clung onto anyone-whether it was a loving family member or a wolf in sheep's clothing. I wasn't stable on my own.

As a teenager, I waned and waxed in my testimony of Jesus Christ. There were times when I simply "went through the motions" of being a Christian.
There were times when I questioned everything and anything that was presented to me, either by religious or by secular teaching.
There were times when I listened to the promptings of the Holy Spirit, followed the instruction given, and lived the way a Christian should.
However, it wasn't until my senior year of high school that my faith and courage was really tested. Either I could "stick" with what my parents and church leaders fed me in church every Sunday, gain my own personal witness of the Gospel, or throw it all away.
My senior year of high school was all about me. I was very selfish and only thought of my needs and wants. I let that darkness eat me from the inside out and many people were affected by my actions. When I received my acceptance letter from BYU in February-March of 2009, I wasn't worthy to attend. However, I was worthy during the application process. Applying to Brigham Young University is almost like any other college application: ACT/SAT scores, GPA, extracurricular activities, awards, a student essay. However, because the school is owned by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, other important questions need to be answered when applying. You need to receive an "Ecclesiastical Endorsement," both from the bishop and then the stake president in your area.  Basically it's an interview that makes sure you're active in church and you're willing to uphold the Honor Code. The Honor Code needs to be signed in order for your application to be finished. The  Honor Code asks you to:

"Be honest 

Live a chaste and virtuous life Obey the law and all campus policies Use clean language Respect others Abstain from alcoholic beverages, tobacco, tea, coffee, and substance abuse Participate regularly in church services Observe the Dress and Grooming Standards Encourage others in their commitment to comply with the Honor Code"

I was ecstatic when I received my acceptance letter, but then the realization dawned on me that at that moment, I would hate myself even stepping foot on campus because I wasn't worthy to be there. I didn't know how to go about explaining to my family and bishop that I wasn't living a "chaste and virtuous life," when school was going to start in 3 months. So, I kept it to myself. After graduation from high school, I dated a boy who didn't believe in God. I fell in love with him and he with me. We clung to each other. This relationship was tearing me apart while I was at BYU. When that Summer term ended, I dreaded the decision I had to make: him or God? He came out to Utah to visit me during the break between summer and fall term. So many nights we spent together were ended in tears. His last night he asked me, "What do you want most out of life?" I surprised myself with my answer, "A temple marriage." We sat in silence for a long time and then he said, "I think you and I both know I can't give that to you." He told me that I'd go back to BYU and boys would be lining up. He said I was smart, beautiful, funny, and that I could do anything I wanted. He just wanted me to be happy. He was so selfless.
He left Utah the next morning, both of us having grown so much, both as friends and individuals. For the next few days I had to grapple with my decision to live the Gospel. I had never felt so alone.
I came back to BYU with a shaky resolve to start over with a bishop and begin the long road of repentance. I ran into Zac our first day back at BYU and he stuck by me throughout my first couple of months of meeting with the bishop. When he left in November, it was the first time that I had to really been on my own in the repentance process- not at home with family, no boys to lean on, just me. Instead of putting my trust in God, I tried to rely on my own strength. It wasn't until a night of selfish angst during Christmas break 2009 that I finally made the decision to change and that God was going to be a part of it.
The next semester of BYU I vowed that I would be worthy of the temple and the sacrament. I read my scriptures everyday. I prayed every morning and night. In the beginning, I'd only read one verse at a time and sob while kneeling against my bed in prayer. As time went on, I began to read my scriptures for 5, then 10, then 20, then 30 minutes in the morning. My prayers became a conversation. Zac and I talked every day. He knew all the trials I'd endured and helped me through the toughest moments. When the Sunday finally came in late February 2010 that I could partake of the sacrament, I wasn't alone. I was trusting God.

~Fast forward a year and a half later~
I am sealed to the man who chose to be by my side when I almost gave up on the Gospel. I am a temple recommend holder. I partake of the sacrament every Sunday. I love without restraint because I am trusting God. I have a testimony. My wedding band reminds me of the trials, heartache, and lessons I've learned about others and myself. My wedding band reminds me of the Savior's humility to suffer for me. My wedding band reminds me of my change of heart those two years ago and my promise to continue on the path of Heavenly Father's plan for me.

I love this Gospel. I love the hardships I've undergone to stand where I am today. I love my husband. I love my family. I love my friends. I love you. :)