the most difficult thing i've had to forgive

18. What has been the most difficult thing you have had to forgive? 

Pondering the answer to this question is hard...especially when I don't want to name names. My heart is racing and my stomach feels empty even though I just ate a whole plate of french fries with Zac.

When I got engaged in February 2011, I was wary calling Dad to tell him the news. He didn't want me getting married before graduating college. He wanted me to serve a mission for our church. But in preparation for Zac's visit to Utah during Valentine's weekend, I prayed a lot and with so much intensity, that I knew deep down that I could get married sooner rather than later and that I was "ready"...whatever that meant haha. I also knew there wasn't anyone else for me besides Zac. We easily could have kept dating for another couple of years and then gotten married--but when you know, you know. And when Zac knelt down on one knee to ask me to marry him, I said, "Yes."

I called Dad and told him about our engagement. He was, of course, excited...but there was something in his voice that made me wonder if I let him down. As our engagement continued, I got a call from Mom. Jim told her Dad was smoking and drinking again. She told me Dad wouldn't be able to come to my temple wedding.

My roommates had no idea how to handle my reaction. I was angry. I was bitter. I was hurt. I felt betrayed. The next day at church, I sobbed out loud while the Sacrament was passed. I'd had the feeling my father left the church a while before, but sitting in the pew with Emily and Amber on either side of me, holding my hands while I shook with tears was...painful, to say the least. As I took the Sacrament, I wanted to take whatever pain my Dad had on my own shoulders. I bore my testimony that day--and meant every single word that came out of my mouth. Later on that afternoon, I wrote in my journal: "I miss my daddy. I want him there for me...I just want my daddy back."

Time went on. Dad and I made plans for him to attend the ring ceremony. I was quite excited. And then, about a month before getting sealed to Zac, I got a call from Dad. He told me he wouldn't be able to make it out to California for the ring ceremony because of his blood clots in his leg. But underneath those words, I heard him say, "I don't have a testimony." 

I let it all out. When I get angry, like seriously pissed off, I cry. It's ugly and loud, but that's what happens. When he said that to me, I yelled. I screamed. I cried. He cried, too, which only made it worse. He kept saying "I'm sorry--I'm sorry." And in those two words, there was so much more to it than being sorry about his blood clots. It was sorrow for not being able to be there for me on my wedding day. It was sorrow for letting go of the church. Then he said, "I'll be with you when you dance with your brother for the daddy-daughter dance." He choked back a sob as he said it. We hung up.

I stormed up to the living room and cussed and yelled and felt everything inside me rip apart. Mom wanted to hold me, but I yanked myself out of her arms. And poor Julie--she had shock written all over her face. She'd never heard me cuss like that (><). Then I went downstairs and tried calling Zac. He was working. So I called Emily and she talked with me for a long time.

At the wedding, I desperately wanted Dad there the whole day. Especially when it came time for me and Jim's "Daddy-Daughter dance." We danced to Little Miss Magic. Whenever I listen to that song, I cry. I'm crying right now. 

As you can see, I was a mess--but I felt happy and loved. It wasn't so much anger as it was acceptance for whatever was to come next for me and my dad. Forgiving him has been so hard because of how much I love him. I don't know if that makes sense, but that's been a huge part of my life in the past year.

Zac just held me while we listened to Little Miss Magic. I cried on his chest and he reassured me Dad loves me. I love my dad so much. It hurts sometimes when I think about his decision to not be a member of the church anymore--but I just want him to be happy, whatever that means for him.

I love you, Dad.

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