The wedding post :)

Hey, you! Guess what?
No, I'm not just gonna tell you. You need to guess!
We'll do a countdown! Three, two, one...Guess!
I'm serious. Guess.
I'm not playing around here.
I'll give you a hint, if you want.
FINE. I'll tell you.

I'M MARRIED!!!!!

Daw! Thank you!
I know, right!? So crazy!
I am so happy.
...And, yeah, I'm 20.

Zac's eyes are currently glued to the television. We're watching Ed, Edd, n Eddy! So freaking good. :)
Hawaii is so beautiful and I can't believe we're here. Zac and I are just relaxing and enjoying one another's company after many months of stress and planning for the wedding.
Speaking of my wedding...I NEED TO WRITE ABOUT IT. :)

[Haha, not to worry. I didn't just come up with that realization. I've been planning to write about the wedding the whole time. That's what this post is about...The Wedding Day and the week leading up to it].

Monday, June 20th- Mom and I left Arizona at 7 am to drive to Simi Valley, California. Mom and I stopped by a huge and wonderful outlet mall somewhere in California. I got a super duper cute dress and cardigan for my endowment session at the temple and for the honeymoon in Hawaii. :) We made it to Simi Valley around 3 pm and mom met Zac's step-mom, Amer (Annamarie), Ian (Zac's 3 year old brother), and Sammy, Zac's wonderful dog. So happy! Then mom met Zac's dad, Marc, a little bit later! Later that night, mom, Zac, and I went to the wedding cake decorator's home to taste test the cake samples. Ohhh. My. Gosh. We decided on a marble cake batter with her homemade strawberry and chocolate filling. We were so happy with the wonderful job she did and this was her second ever wedding cake! So amazing! Then Zac and I went on a much needed date. We went to a Borders, reading children's books and holding hands in the sofa chairs. Then we walked to his movie theatre and saw Midnight in Paris... SO BEAUTIFUL. I didn't know if I'd like it all that much, but man, was I wrong. Zac and I just loved it. 

Tuesday, June 21st- Mom, Zac, Karen (Zac's mommy), and I went to Ventura to get the marriage license. Hooray legal obligations! Then mom, Zac, and I went to a nearby beach. Mom hadn't been to a beach since she was 10 when we first buried our feet in the sand. She was so delighted and delightful. :) Afterwards, we went to The Habit, an amazing burger place. Mom loved her food and said she'd never eaten something so amazing. :D Ha! California is just too good. :) Later on that night, Zac had his interview with the stake president and he passed with flying colors (obviously). :)

Wednesday, June 22nd- Mom woke up all frazzled and intense. She jumped out of the bed we shared and said that we needed to get to the flower market in LA that morning, not the next morning like we originally planned. I shot to my feet and ran into Zac's room to wake him up. We were out the door in 15 minutes at 9 am. The one hour drive from Simi to LA was so fun! We had fun listening to music and chatting during traffic. Once we got to the LA Flower Market, though, we were all business. Or, more accurately, mom was. Man! It was so amazing seeing her in action. She was a florist for 21 years before she "retired" to be a stay-at-home mom. Having her do all the flowers for the wedding was so touching and I knew she was going to be amazing. She didn't disappoint. :) Thank you, mom. Then we picked up Emily and Tim from the LAX airport! I LOVED SEEING HER AND TIM AGAIN! As did Zac and mom. :D Later on that night I had my bridal shower! Sooo much fun! Zac, Tim, and Poter went to Sky High, a tumbling gym, for an impromptu bachelor party. They also went to Five Guys.

Thursday, June 23rd- Mom woke up super early to pick up Jim from the airport in LA and then had lunch with her brother (my uncle) who she hadn't seen in 20 years. Back in Simi, friends and family got together at the reception venue to start decorating. Paul, Melissa, and Julie arrived in Simi in the early afternoon and it was so good seeing them again! Then I went lingerie shopping with Karen and Zac's sister, Stephanie. hahahah We had some major fun. >< Then we rushed home to get me changed and presentable for my temple endowment session at 5:30. I was so nervous and I couldn't believe that it was finally here! I won't go into specifics, obviously, but the temple is so amazing. And my love for Zac grew to an unimaginable level. Being worthy of the temple and the blessings it provides was such an overwhelming feeling. I was crying the moment I stepped into the temple. I left behind my past and stepped into my future, clinging to my testimony of Christ and my love for Zac and my family. :) Finally, I took a sleeping pill and packed up my things and went with all the girls to Karen's house. I got a full body massage from Stephanie, who's a registered message therapist. SO AWESOME. Emily and I talked for a good two hours, enjoying one another's thoughts and impressions. I love her so.

Friday, June 24th- THE WEDDING DAY! I'll just do a chronological list...>< Bear with me...if you're still reading! hahaha :)

7:36 am- Woken up by my beautiful mother who drove over from Marc's house with Tim in tow. I was grumpy and my eyes hurt. :)
8:01 am- Out of the shower, legs shaven, glowing with happiness for the day ahead. :)

8:05 am-9:11 am- Getting my hair moussed, blow-dried, curled, and hair sprayed while playing word games with Julie and mom. :)

9:15 am-9:30 am- Oatmeal and strawberries with whipped cream for breakfast! Yum! :)
9:32 am- Woke up Melissa. :)
9:35 am- Mom drove back to Marc's house to get the waterproof mascara I forgot. ><
9:46 am- Mom hurried through my makeup and I still looked amazing! THANK YOU SO MUCH, MOM!
10:15 am- All the girls in tow with the wedding dress, drove to the temple.

11:10 am- Parked, lugged the wedding dress, duffel bag of clothes, flowers, and makeup case into the temple lobby. Waved goodbye to Emily, Melissa, and Julie.

11:23 am- Met up with Zac, Marc, Paul, Amer, and one of Amer's friends. Zac and I had yet another interview with a temple worker to verify everything with us and the importance of our temple sealing. :):)

11:30 am- Got ready in all my bridal glory. *blush blush* Mom and I were hugging and holding hands the whole time.

12:30 pm- I was sealed for all time and eternity to Zachary Scott Hickman. We made covenants with one another and God in the holy temple.

1:10 pm- Back in the Bride's Room to do some touch ups with makeup and hair for the wedding photos. Mom put yellow roses in my hair and helped me put on my yellow Vans. She also finished making Zac's boutineer and put an adorable ribbon around the bouquet. Packed up everything. Met up with Zac, who looked so handsome in his grey tux and yellow tie.
1:30 pm- Stepped outside the temple for pictures with family and friends. :) Ethan then asked for all friends and family to leave so he could be alone with Zac and me. So many pictures! Wah! Can't wait to see them!

2:15 pm- Traveled back to LA with mom, listening to the new Ludo CD!!! Man, so good.
3:30 pm- Called everyone to head over to Red Robin for a quick wedding party luncheon. So good! I was stressed the whole time, worrying about the ring ceremony at 5:30.
5:00 pm- Zac and I left with Karen to pick up my garter (ahem) which I forgot at Marc's house.
5:20 pm- Finally at the church building for the ring ceremony and reception! We set up chairs and tables outside under the pavilion. IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL. I was driven across the parking lot so as to keep tradition that "no one" sees the bride before she walks down the aisle. That proved to be difficult. hahaha A crisis suddenly sprung up while I was in my remote location in the parking lot, waiting to be driven over to the pavilion. Mom came rushing over to me, breathless, and told me Zac's wedding ring was lost! I was so scared! hahaha The box was empty and he got it mixed up with my wedding ring box. Anyway, the point is, we found the ring and everything was running smoothly again. Whew.
5:41 pm- Mom drove me over to the pavilion and then walked me down the aisle to my husband. Zac and I then had Shane Hull tell all in attendance how important the temple sealing is and explained the sacredness of the temple. He then asked Zac and I to say a few words with one another and all our friends and family.We then exchanged rings and had a good long kiss. :) Our family and close friends then got up and shared their love for me and Zac with everyone. Not a single eye was dry. Well, except for Ian, who was running around, playing with his toy cars. :)

6:00 pm-Whenever it ended (Time kind of escaped me haha) - RECEPTION TIME! We greeted everyone, said our thank yous, and then our first dance! The Luckiest by Ben Folds.  Daddy/Daughter dance with my little brother. Little Miss Magic by Jimmy Buffet. Zac and I broke the knife during the infamous cake cutting! >< Then we did the garter and bouquet toss. hahaha Zac was super silly while getting the garter. :) And my little sister Julie caught the bouquet! Yay! We also had family pictures taken and then we danced for a good hour. :) Ian even danced!

A perfect day.
And now for some pictars! :D

Missy Cox did such a WONDERFUL job with the cake! Look! Quail and everything!

Listening to friends and family during the ring ceremony :)

Aren't these table decorations just adorable?!

Carefully inspecting the cake...

Yes! Julie caught the bouquet! :D

Zac's little sister, Danielle! So cute!

Mom puts up with me :)

I just love Zac's face in this! :D

Good work, team!

I found a new band I love: The Phoenix Foundation

Now, normally I am not a fan of posting so quickly after a previous blog, but I thought I'd break that limitation. I find it funny how people consistently put limits on themselves, or quite the contrary, express the importance of not adhering to any sort of limitation. I've been told many, many times that I limit myself. I heard that a lot when I was in high school with my running, my trumpet, my singing, my acting, my writing. Since high school, though, I've reached new heights in every area...

[Excluding my trumpet...>< Man, I miss playing my horn].

My running has become more of a therapeutic exercise for me since high school. High school track and cross country centered entirely around competition. Racing. Ramming my elbow into girls' sides as I'd pass [Shh I would never do such a thing ;)]. Now, when I find myself frazzled and in need of control, I put on my tennis shoes, spandex shorts, and a cut-off t-shirt and head out the door. Last summer, I ran almost every single morning for at least an hour. I became tan with the morning Kansas sun and toned with the discipline of a motivated athlete. This summer has proven to be difficult for me to get in touch with that inner endurance runner. I know she's there. She's been there since I was a little girl in fifth grade when I beat all the boys and girls in a lap around the playground. I came home from school with a big smile on my face and proudly told my mom that I was going to be a distance runner. 

["You mean you want to be a sprinter?" "No, mom. I want to run for a long time!"]

So, for singing. When I was a senior, I had a solo for one of the concerts. Oh, man. I didn't ever get a lead in a school musical, so this moment was my time to shine. Butterflies gathered in my gut, but I took a deep breath and let myself go. I sang and it filled the whole room. I faltered here and there, but it felt amazing to have my voice so loud and free. I was also embarrassed at how timid I sounded compared to the leads in the plays. Since that night, though, I've taken to singing only in three situations: 1) Auditions (gulp), 2) Church hymns 3) For a close, personal, and bonding ceremony between myself and the one I love. hahaha Honestly, that's when I feel most comfortable singing. I'm never gonna be the Broadway actress/singer. And that's fine with me. My voice is intimate. :)

...Acting. Phew. As of right now, that's a very touchy subject. I didn't make it into the Acting major, as you know. And for that, I am so happy. So many new doors have opened up for me, and, if I'm being blunt, I felt like I was trapped by other's expectations and my own perceptions when it came to the Acting major. Steadily I began to get uncomfortable with the route I was going. It didn't feel like my road to travel anymore. I felt like I needed to roll around in the ditch by the side of the road, pull out a map, turn it upside down, and sprint down a completely new path, dust licking my heels. And now I anxiously look forward to dipping my toes in a pond near the Acting road. The pond's name: Playwright and/or Theatre Ed Instructor. What a happy pond. I hope there's ducks. :)

Writing...it has opened me up, I feel vulnerable. I'm learning to not limit myself. :)

DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD IT FEELS TO THROW LIMITATIONS OUT THE WINDOW? DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD IT FEELS TO FIND OUT WHERE YOUR LIMITS LIE AFTER JUMPING TOO FAR AND BRUISING YOUR BUM? DO YOU KNOW HOW GOOD IT FEELS TO CONSTANTLY QUESTION WHERE YOUR LIMITS ARE? I do. :)

[Oh, and here's a little something from The Phoenix Foundation]

v-neck t-shirts look good.

I'm sitting on the living room couch, laptop in lap, and wearing my favorite v-neck t-shirt. Grey with horizontal, thin, black stripes. A small breast pocket, ideally made for pens. Or Q-Tips. Not too tight, not too loose. Mom says it makes me look like a boy. Now all I need is dirt under my short fingernails, and I'm all set. :) (That's what all boys look like).

I'm lightly tapping a yellow balloon back and forth with my sister.  "GAH! WATCH OUT, JULIE! THE BALLOON CAN'T HIT THE FAN! Oh, okay. You've got it." :)

[And now for an irrelevant and nonsensical interlude]

I have the world's biggest sweet tooth. I mean, really. I just can't get enough of my tasty treats. Ghirardelli Square. Dark chocolate. Raspberry filling. Goosebumps are literally forming on my arms and legs as I take my last bite.

And
It's
Goooooneeeee.... :(

That little piece of Heaven just disappeared. Ah, well. I have so many other happy things to muse over. Last night I had my bridal shower with a small get together of four women from church. Mom and I invited 20 women to come celebrate three weeks ago (with handmade invitations BAM) and only four came. I was a little bit disappointed, but also relieved. I don't really know anyone here, so a smaller group was much more enjoyable in the end. While mom and I waited anxiously for people to show up, I was so nervous about what they'd think of me. >< I remembered my high school days. Oh goodness. hahaha I was never invited to parties and that's fine and all.
Honestly, I'm better off just staying home, away from crowds. I'll undoubtedly embarrass everyone around me and myself. ><
But the women who did come were so awesome! We laughed and shared stories and they wanted to know all about me and Zac. I awkwardly stumbled through our detailed chronological history and even cried several times. hahaha Such a freaking girl. >< Zac and I got several thoughtful gifts for our future apartment: cookie sheet, crock pot, measuring cups, a bright orange knife, a hand mixer, and four gorgeous plates! It feels so good to say "future apartment." :)

[TWO WEEKS, PEOPLE. I'M GONNA BE A MARRIED WOMAN IN JUST TWO WEEKS. THAT'S IT]!

At this point, I'm just twiddling my thumbs, anxiously ready for my future. Cake needs met, bishop interview for the temple complete and meeting with the stake president tomorrow afternoon. I have my veil, the dress fits better than it did when I first got it, I'm looking smashing, if I do say so myself. hahaha Everything is seemingly falling into place. :) Grandpa told me yesterday that this is my "precursor marriage." I laughed, "Okay, Grandpa!" I have heard that most people go through two marriages before finally settling down with the third partner. And statistics are grossly pessimistic, divorce rates increasing. What a disgusting word. Divorce.

On a personal note, I'm really struggling right now with my family relationships. I won't go on about it here, but I hate divorce. I hate how it altered everything in my childhood. I hate how it still hurts today. I hate that I haven't seen my dad since last July. I hate that I feel like I have something to prove because I'm getting married at 20. Judging eyes. Smiles that already suggest sympathy for a doomed marriage.

Well, my eyes only hold hope and faith. My smile hasn't been this sincere in a long time.

[And it isn't going away].

Snails make me think of my mom. I bet you didn't know that.

[Oh, here we go!]

So much has been going on lately! I can finally sit down and write about how crazy my life has been. I really need to blog more, or so I've been told. Zac repeatedly asks me to blog more because he enjoys reading my spastic thought process. Well, thanks honey. :)
I'm sitting at the family computer while I write this post, instead of my own laptop. While I was out in California last week, my laptop's battery charger died. :( I've had it since I graduate high school back in May 2009. Whoa! So long! Anyway, I wanted to buy a new one so Zac and I got online and saw that Amazon had one for $8. I freaked out! Then I came home to Arizona and went with mom to Best Buy to buy the charger. Came to find out they're actually $70! CRAZY. I called Emily to ask her how much she spent on her battery charger she got earlier on in the semester and she said she spent $80 at Walmart. Oh my. Well, I will get a charger soon. I hate taking up so much time on my fam's computer. ><
The past two weeks have been awesome! From May 10th-26th I was out traveling. I drove out to Kansas from Arizona with mom and Julie. Driving was so much fun and also nerve racking a couple of times. Seeing nature and animals and how the sky differs from state to state was so breathtaking. Texas was a little bit hard driving through though. >< So many cows. So many smells. :(
I went to Kansas to see my brother graduate from high school on May 14th. :) We got there a couple of days before that and stayed with the family that's been having Jim live with them for his senior year. I got to reconnect with old friends I consider family. One Friday night, I sat in the passenger seat of a very special best friend for several hours, just talking. It was so refreshing and therapeutic to get caught up with her. Smantha and I had our ups and downs in high school, but that is in the past. Hehe I love her so much.

[I also watched "The King's Speech" while I was out in Kansas! And I loved it. Such amazing acting. Wow.]

My brother's graduation was so touching. I saw several old friends and so many hugs happened! I got to talk with very special people and we've grown so much since our last visit.

[Just a little shout out: Thank you for being who you are! Thank you for changing my life. Thank you for being in my life.]

[SCENE BREAK]

I flew out to California on May 17th to see Zac for the first time in 3 and a half months! Dude. It felt so amazing being in his arms and laughing at the British woman on the intercom at the baggage claim in the LAX airport. :) We had so much fun being with each other again! I think my favorite moments were when we were just next to each other, not saying a whole lot, and holding hands. That sounds so overly romantic and girly. But I'm being honest. He is such an amazing man. :)
I danced my first game of DDR with him and a couple of his friends one night! hahaha I was laughing the whole time at my total and complete lack of coordination.
When the three rounds were over, I was like, "I'm done?"
"Yes, Chelsea. It's over!"
"I'm done?!"
"Yup!"
"I DID IT!" Then I jumped in Zac's arms and we had a good huge hug. hahaha
Several movies were watched while I was with Zac: 127 Hours, Priest, Bridesmaids, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and Thor. I went to the beach, an arcade, the duck pond, Moorpark Community College (haha), Thousand Oaks, and Starbucks! Zac's friends are so awesome. I am so glad they seem to like me. It feels good that I can hold my own when in conversation with them. :) Zac also showed off a bit and did a few boxing rounds with Kenny. Kenny and Zac have been training for quite some timea and it was wonderful seeing them in action. And I was appointed time keeper! And let me tell you. I loved keeping time for Zac. ><
I also got to cut Zac's hair and trim his facial hair! It my first ever time cutting a boy's head of hair. Sooo it may have turned out a little askew. hahaha It was kind of short in some places and longer in others. But I actually did it! And Zac trusted me! And when we're finally hitched, we'll save so much money because I can cut his and mine hair. :3 Ahhhh yeah. Being a woman is awesome.

[127 Hours easily changed my life. Not even joking. I love James Franco. Did you know that he recently graduated from NYU with a master's degree in film and is also working on his Ph. D. at Yale?! So awesome!]

[SCENE BREAK]

As of right now, I am just doing the finishing touches with the wedding planning.
The wedding day actually looking realistically planned? Check.

Reception planned minute by minute? Check.
Starting playlists for reception? Check.
Mother making my veil? Check.
Makeup ideas set in stone? Check.
Hairstyle finalized? Check.
Send out bridal shower invitations? Check.
Of course, there are still many other things that need to get done: Details with decorating the reception; cake finalization; wedding license authorization. I know that sounds like a lot. It kind of is. But IT WILL GET DONE.

Well, writing down all that I have to get done has made me want to stop blogging. haha Need to jump on things!

xoxo Chelsea

This, That, and the Other :)

So lately I've been finding myself pondering the past. I'm in an awkward "waiting phase" for events to come in the future. I guess because I'm in such a peculiar position (foreign state, no friends here, and no job) I am just occupying my free time with contemplation. Just thinking about decisions made, consequences of those decisions, and where I am now. Thinking about people who've touched my life and made me the person I am today. And I guess I find it so refreshing to just think for a change. I was complaining to Zac last night that I am getting frustrated with my life right now. I told him, "It feels like I'm getting nowhere." "Do you feel like you need to be somewhere right now?"
His question stopped me. There's a purpose for this waiting and quiet time. I know it. I just need to embrace and live it for all its worth. Hopefully I'll figure things out and all will be hunky dory. But until then, I think I am just learning to love patience. :)
Zac and I decided it would be better if I didn't get a job because we're moving back to Utah in mid-July. And I'm going to be gone from Arizona for about a good solid month. (2 weeks gone for visits to Kansas and California and then 2 weeks gone for the wedding and honeymoon). Therefore, we just decided it would be easier on the both of us if we can move into our apartment and find work together in Utah before school starts. :)
I am going to be in Kansas in about a week! I can't wait to connect with old friends and see my brother graduate high school. :) So pumped! Then as soon as my five or so days in Kansas are over, I'm flying out to California to see Zac! I haven't seen him since February. LIKE FOR REAL. Freaking February. But being with him for a week will be wonderful. I've been informed that much will be going on: Sky High (which is an awesome tumbling gym), free movies at the theatre (Zac works there!), and plenty of down time with his family to get the rest of the wedding and reception planned. :D Then I get to come back to Arizona to be with my family right before gettin' hitched. hahaha
Mom is such a strong and awesome woman. She's keeping me busy amongst my meditation as I mentioned earlier. She's given me errands,which I leap at instantaneously; let's me use the jeep for said errands and, oh, how I've missed driving; she wakes me up to go run in the cool Arizona weather. All in all, she's helping me move forward instead of falling flat on my face. I'm finding ways to perform service for others and it feels really good. I love talking with my sisters about their days at school and I love giggling with my mom while watching That 70s Show and The Colbert Report. Connecting with my stepdad is difficult for he's always working or sleeping. But the times that I do just get to talk with him are cherished. Even just being able to hold our kitties and walk our dog is awesome. I love how animals just melt at your touch and immediately want to cuddle or get super excited when you pay them the slightest attention. One cat in particular has been following me around the house with his tail straight up in the air ever since I came home. :) And that is so endearing! hehehe
Well I do believe it's time for me to drive my sisters to activities for church and stuff. :) I guess I'll just leave you with a few things...

Can I Hug You?

After a long, grueling, and fantastic fifth semester, I am finally free! I've been free for about a week and a half now and I am finally able to catch my breath a bit and get caught up with my life. 16 credit hours seemed unsurmountable but I did it. :) I ended this semester with my highest GPA since coming to BYU! And while my GPA may not be "superb" by some people's standards, I have excitement for the future. :) Ahhh yeah!

I found out a couple of days ago I didn't make it into the acting program. AND IT FEELS SO AWESOME. I never thought I would say that, much less feel so happy thinking about it. When I got my proficiency scores back, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Like I could finally breathe again. I am so glad I followed my instincts and did the audition anyway. I felt complete afterwards, even if it didn't reap the rewards of being in the program. It's like I let something go that needed to go. This whole past semester I've been feeling that maybe pursuing acting as a major and career isn't quite right for me. Came to find out, I was right! I love acting, but I don't have the killer drive and need for it as others do. At first, that was so hard to accept. But when I finally swallowed my pride and pondered, I realized I am needed for other adventures in this life than ones offered in New York City or Los Angeles. I am so glad my life is going in a new direction. A breath of fresh air feels so good to take in. :) A new path is being carved for me and if I just remain true to myself and others, so many more doors will open. 

I now look forward to major in Theatre Arts Studies with either an emphasis in Education or Playwriting. :) Life is just so good right now. :D

Currently, I'm in freaking Buckeye, Arizona, in my new room in a new house, located in the new basement. The company I'm enjoying is old and familiar, just as it should be with family. :) This past week I've been doing the FAFSA and applying for jobs like a crazy-money-obsessed-college-engaged-student. hahah Oh, wait. That's me. 

>< 

The wedding is so close, guys! Like for real! 1 month and 24 days away! Insane, right?! But I'm so freaking excited. Also very, very, very nervous. Zac and I just got an apartment with the on-campus married housing at BYU. Oh, BYU. hahaha Apparently we have to pay for the July rent even though school doesn't start until August, which I think is bogus. We weren't allowed to claim an apartment 10 days prior to our wedding date and there were only two apartments with one bedroom available on June 24th for the taking. Finding an apartment in the nick of time was so awesome. We'll be living at the south end of Wymount, close to campus, and on the third floor! We won't be having any pesky neighbors above our heads with screaming children to bother us! Heaveeeennnn.

I've been running quite a bit this past week and let me tell you. Arizona is gonna make me a brown little thing! hahaha I am currently sporting a fantastic sunburn on my shoulders and upper arms. But soon a nice tan will work it's way in and I'll be a happy camper. I've been blessed with melanin. :3 Watch out swimsuit season. You're about to be annihilated. KABAM. 

I'm pretty pumped to be back in Kansas again! I'll be there in about 12 days for my brother's graduation from high school! SO EXCITED TO SEE HIM AND EVERYONE ELSE! Oh my gosh! I haven't seen most of my friends since last summer, due to me and my family moving over Christmas break from Kansas to Arizona. But good golly, I can't wait! And I haven't seen my brother since Christmas break. I am so flippin' proud of him! He's gonna be studying saxophone performance at K-State, which was hard for me at first. hahaha But then I was like, "Chelsea. Stop it. This is his college experience, not yours." *Humility bequeathed*

I have so much to be thankful for and I can't believe there's so much more to discover and live. :)

Chelsea x

The moon's face caught my tears tonight

"We must part? How can you stand there and say that? No more service to you! Am I not to help you know as I did before? Are we not to go on working together? If you are to do no more work, then what am I to do with my life?

Never in this world will I go home! Where you are, there will I be also. I will not let myself be driven away like this! I will remain here. I will be with you when the book appears. I will see with my own eyes how honor and respect pour in upon you afresh! And the happiness-oh, the happiness! I must share it with you.

Where is the manuscript?

Do you know, Lovburg, that what you have done with the book-I shall think of it to my dying day as though you had killed a little child. How could you? Did not the child belong to me too? It is over. All I see is darkness ahead of me."

-The brilliant words of Henrik Ibsen as through the mind and speech of Thea.
I love Thea. She is such a strong woman and fighter, but it is that fight she has that makes her so vulnerable. This morning was my proficiency audition. I used this monologue and another from "The Miss Firecracker Contest" by Beth Henley. I left the audition not sure how to feel about it. I was prepared. I was ready for those 2 minutes of Heaven and Hell. I felt pumped to go in and show the judges my "swagga." :). I performed to the best of my ability when in that moment. I didn't want to force myself to cry because it would be unmotivated and fake. It's better to not cry and mean everything you're saying, than forcing tears to happen because you're "supposed" to cry.

And I've been thinking a lot lately of what I'm "supposed" to be doing. For me, the question has been this past semester: "Should I be acting? Is this really for me to pursue as a major and a career?" Obviously, I have a passion for acting. I have a commitment to acting. I love letting my inner self show through my outer being. Then, why, for all those reasons, would I have doubts?

Perhaps I'm still searching for what I'm "supposed" to be doing?

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The question of kids is daunting and surreal. I can't imagine myself having children right now; however, the idea of creating a person with the right man at the right time is so beautiful. Zac and I are like, "Let's put a hold on the baby train." hahaha Which I'm totes fine with. Totes McGoats. I'm like, "Yeah, still in school. Still trying to figure myself out. Still working at my major. Still wanting a life before kids." (I mean that in the best way possible ><). hahaha
But whenever that time comes for us to have a baby, (10 years, 5 years, 1 year, whatever) I want to be in the best possible shape for that new human being: Physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. My future miniature human being is more than just a thing that takes up space. He or she is going to need a mother who is physically sound, emotionally stable, mentally perceptive, and spiritually in tune. He or she is gonna need a mother. A woman who is selfless. A woman who is nurturing. A woman who is humble. Hopefully through my example, my child will learn how to make his or her own decisions. Agency is a beautiful gift.

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So I only have five more finals and then I'll be free from school! :D Happy day!
1) Marriage and Family final-Saturday
2) Stage Makeup final- Monday
3) Shakespeare final-Monday
4) Acting for TV/Film final-Tuesday
5) Phonetics final-Wednesday

Then my mommy is gonna be here on Wednesday night. She's gonna stay the night in the apartment, then we're both gonna drive back to Arizona on Thursday! Then I have a wedding to finish planning. Jeepers. >< hahaha But I am so happy, you guys. Despite all the questions I have going on right now and how everything is changing, I wouldn't want anything else in the world. I am so happy. Right now in this moment I am happy.